Talking Really Helps.

Although, I am good at writing about my feelings here, on this blog, I have never been good at talking about my feelings with other people, and although I am very up front and honest with my feelings when I write. I don’t really feel like that counts, as I consider it to be talking to myself, and although I know people read it. It doesn’t feel like sharing, it feels like analysing.


I have never one to talk about my real feelings with people. To be honest, I have always saw it as a sign of weakness. So, whenever I have ever been upset, I have always internalised it, or wrote about it. Then I would wait for it to go away. This always, mostly, sometimes worked.

I had been obsessed with HIM for a while, and in the last few weeks, it reached a point, where I was constantly thinking about HIM, obsessing about, wondering where he was, what he was doing. I blogged about it but it didn’t make me feel any better. I knew I had to get over it and all I wanted to do was move on. But I told myself that in moving on, to make the whole thing have any worth, I would absorb the lesson and grow from it. It wasn’t immediately obvious what that lesson would be.

Well, I think I finally figured it out. When I was holding all these feelings inside, feelings which seemed alien and intrusive to me, it seemed I could think of nothing else. But after telling him, everything and I mean everything, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt I was able to relax and process the situation more rationally. So we talked, about what happened, how both of us felt and how we were, no matter how you looked at it, not suitable for each other.

As the days passed, I realised, I wasn’t really thinking about it anymore, just fleeting moments, when he would pass through my thoughts. Then I wondered, if talking about my feelings, could provide this much clarity. Maybe I shouldn’t hold back as much as I do, whenever something is on my mind. If talking about my how I felt about things, made things clearer and really rather simple, then that’s the lesson I will take away from this, the moral of my story.

The Boy In The Stripped Pajamas.

The book I was reading was very difficult to get through, the subject matter, I had read before and enjoyed. An account of life with the Royals, by Lady Clerk Sarah Goodall, was nowhere near as scandalous, intriguing or revealing as the account written by Paul Burrell, after is admonishment from the Royal circle in the early 00’s. In fact, for the majority of the book, she has very little interaction with the people who matter, any information, scandalous or otherwise, is accounted to her by a third person, so the book really didn’t have anything to offer me, therefore I was finding it difficult to read. Normally, a good book, can make me lose track of time and location. Something to be devoured in a matter of hours, rather than days.


That is why I found myself, picking up the Boy In The Striped Pyjamas. I had heard of this book before, released in 2006 by Irish Author John Boyne, with the controversy of the subject matter and the release of the 2008 movie of the same name. But I had managed to avoid reading or hearing about the key plots. Knowing only that its setting was in war time Nazi Germany. I actually picked the book up from a second hand store near my house on my way home from work late on Saturday evening but it wasn’t until Tuesday, that I was able to dedicate any real time to it. On my way to work, on my lunch break, and on my return home. Before I stepped of the bus, I had turned the last page and found myself, feeling a sense of melancholy. I am not going to give away the ending for those who have not read it but I knew there was going to be some conflict and tragedy, considering the setting and uncomfortable subject matter. I was just not expecting it to go the way it did.

Told from the perspective of Bruno, who has to leave his home in Berlin, to travel with his family to their new home, in light of his father’s new posting as commandant during the war , a place considered to be less exciting by 9 year old Bruno. Although fiction, the story accounts his growing boredom and dissatisfaction of his new home, that is until he meets another little boy, threw the fence, on the farm, not far from their new abode. I have to be careful about not giving away key plot points, so I will leave the synopsis where it is for now.
As I said earlier, when I finished the book, I felt a sense of melancholy, which sometimes does happen, when a character I have immersed myself into and absorbed comes to an upon unfortunate set of circumstance which sgnal their demise. I wasn’t expecting the twist that developed in the final pages. Having read the book, I was curious to see how the movie adaption would be handled and within minutes of returning home I had it downloaded, ready for a tear jerker.

I am not about to jump on the ‘the book was better than the movie, bandwagon’ as I think sometimes, it can’t work as well when transferring a written story to the silver screen. Authors have only their imaginations to hold them back, directors and screen writers have time constraints, budgets and distribution to consider. The movie adaption of Bruno, written quite different, although superbly acted by Asa Butterfield, the character lacks some of the subtle charms, he lacks the innocent naivety of his written character. In the book, his naivety is key, and as he stumbles across events and situations, it’s the reader who put the information together, to reach their conclusion, which is pretty clever as the audience has what Bruno does not. Hindsight. This element is lost in the movie adaption and as a consequence, some of the charm is lost too. Vera Farmiga, who plays Mother, plays a subtle but powerful standout performance, and has more of an impact in the movie than she does in the book, basically a background character, to the explorations and whimsy of young Bruno. The score, composed by James Horner captures the moments of shock, suspense, wonder and tragedy wonderfully, and of course this is adds an element which a book cannot.

Both the book and the movie, have faced criticism for the fictional character insertions into an infamous historical event, although, the setting, although undeniably tragic, is just a plot device, what gives this story its heart, are its characters and their perceptions of this real event, via fictional eyes. The naivety of Children, the reasoning of adults and the power of government and propaganda, making it a wholly relevant set of works. Fiction or otherwise.

I Guess I Am Not For Everyone

As a long time Blogger, I have also been a long time reader. I even have a list of some of my favourite blogs, on the right hand side of this template. The themes of these blogs, are pretty eclectic. Sexual deviants  housewives etc. I am not going to name the blog who sent me the below email, but it is still there on my blog roll. Despite the email the moderators have sent me. It actually made me chuckle. The blog post was a list of things that the authors loved, something along the lines of rainbows and puppies. So I left this comment on the post.



Mind of Mine has left a new comment on your post "5 things I love": 

I sometimes refuse to believe it. You can't really be this sickly sweet.

I would have loved to see.

I love the feel of that first line of coke, as it drops into the back of my throat!


This is the reply, I got a couple of days later.


===============================

Hello Ian,


I wanted to write you about the comment you left on our blog last Friday. A copy of your comment appears below.

While we have appreciated the comments you've occasionally left us in the past, the tone of your Friday comment was not in keeping with the post or the overall tone we strive to maintain for the blog. 

If you were trying to be humorous, it was too subtle to be appreciated. If you were trying to offensive by referring to me as "sickly sweet," then I obviously don't appreciate it.

I also did not appreciate your comment about loving "...the feel of that first line of coke, as it drops into the back of my throat!"

We received 9 private email messages from various readers complaining about your comment, including several who said they were considering never reading our blog again if comments of this type appeared again.

Several readers related they have children who have struggled with drug use and reading your comment was unsettling to them.

In light of this, I am asking you not to make any further comments on our blog.

Thanks for your consideration,

===============================

I am not going to lie. I really would have loved to see something less 'wholesome' on for once. But I guess i shouldn't assume everyone is as messed up as I am.

Getting The Fuck Over It.

I don't like how these feelings are effecting me. I am never one for talking about my feelings, I don't feel comfortable divulging that information. Although I am happy to listen to others if they need to get something of their chest. I have never felt like this for anyone before and I have never had such a need to dissect it, to the point where I was obsessing about it. Having never really talked about my feelings for someone special with my friends before, I was surprised that I could not stop talking about him and the situation we have found ourselves in, going over it again and again, getting a different perspective. I have never been so forthright in showing my vulnerability before. Knowing that he read my post about him, didn't help.

I planned to cut him out for a while, to get over it. I thought that not speaking to him or engaging him, would force me to move on. But I didn't stop to think how he might feel about that. Apart of me wanted to not care and I told myself that his feelings didn't matter, I was doing what I needed to do to fix this. But then he went away for a week and we had no contact and I didn't like it. Knowing he read what I had written, that I had written in the moment and basically laid all my feelings on the table, has been a mixed bag. I think in order to move on from this, he needs to know it, we need to talk about it and I need to get it all of my chest. But I think a small part of me, was hoping once he read it, that I would get some kind of confirmation, that he felt something too.

So I sent him a message on Friday, telling him that I would get over this and in years to come, we will probably laugh about it. But what I want is closure, I need him to tell me that he doesn't feel the same way I do. Tell me it will never happen. He doesn't have to be gentle, I want him to be completely honest and frank with me. Then I can take this situation, absorb the lesson and then bury it.

If there is any good to come from this mess, I think its in letting myself get so exposed. I can never do things the conventional way, I can't just meet a boy, like him and be with him and everything be OK  No, I have to fall for someone who is not right for me, is too far away and worst of all, doesn't feel the same way. It's almost funny. But I haven't liked anyone for a really long time. I was almost worried that I would never like anyone again, even people I have dated in the last 12 months or so, perfectly nice boys too, left no lasting effects. In hindsight, its probably because they weren't him. I went out last Saturday, a couple of days after he left and told me he had read the blog. I was thinking about it and I wanted to drink and dance and sleep with a stranger, just to get my mind of him, so that's what I did.

But the time has come now, to get the fuck over this, return to the status quo and just be friends again. It would be easier to cut him off completely, delete him from Facebook, delete his number and pretend he never existed. But I really do value our friendship, I like being his confidant, I like being able to confide in him. So once we have the talk, which I am hoping will happen in the next few days, I am hoping we can return to that place.

Queer Heaven

I am the biggest Kat Slater fan in the world, I want to be her! So I was delighted when I received this picture via email from Quinn, over at Queer Heaven. Check him out, but be aware that his site is not safe for work.

Queer Heaven

Cheating Scumbag?

It was a discussion I had with a friend about the intricate workings of a relationship, that got me thinking about this again. Like the inside of a watch, it takes a complicated system, to keep the hands turning. If one part of that system fails, well like a house of cards, it can come tumbling down. So many of the rules of a relationship are unspoken, most work under the assumption, that the normal socially acceptable standards of love, apply to their union. I have come to this conclusion, not from having many relationships of my own, but of watching the couples around me.

Many people disagree with my outlook on cheating, I have to use the word cheating to make my point a little more simpler and to avoid confusion. I have been guilty of cheating in the past, guilty is a word I use but not something I really felt. I was guilty in the eyes and standards of social norms.

For most people, once a relationship becomes serious, there is usually a discussion of exclusivity  That person becomes yours and yours only. But sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. Maybe its a text message on a phone, or an email in an inbox, or worse, walking in and seeing it with your eyes. This usually spells the end of a relationship, when someone betrays the bed and home which you have made together.

But what if I was to tell you that love and fidelity were not mutually exclusive. What If I said,  you could have one without the other. In the same way, you can have monogamy without really being in love. Separating the act from the person, can go along way in making sure your union lasts.

The first time I ever 'cheated' was when I stared to really think about this. My first real relationship almost came to an end when I on a wild night out, which last almost a full 24 hours, alcohol and speed and a bathhouse. When I sat down and told him, a few days later, I was understandably nervous. I wouldn't have told him at all, had it not been for the fact that some of his friends had already heard I had gone to a sauna. I felt it would be much better if it came from me. I had thought long and hard about why I had done it and what it meant for our relationship. At the time I thought I loved him and that hadn't changed and after much supposed soul searching, I found the answer to be rather mundane. I was simply horny, it was there and it was convenient. I didn't say this to him of course and I went through the motions of telling him how sorry I was and that it would never happen again. I assessed what it might have meant again when the relationship ended and couldn't really give myself a different answer.

A few months after the relationship came to a much relieving end, I met a couple. The couple propositioned me for a threesome and as I got to know them and saw they had a pretty strong bond, I was enthralled about what they told me. How they had come to have such a unique understanding. It was the first time I ever came across an open relationship, in the flesh and working so well. 'We are not naive, we know that even though we love each other very much, that both of us will look outside the home for sexual gratification and that is okay, as long as both of us know, that it is just sex'.

The concept seemed so remarkable to me but at the same time, it made so much sense. Since then, my outlook on what most people would call cheating has been very different from those of my peers. Explaining this to people who have not agreed with me in the past, has always been frustrating and I have reached a point now, where I don't bother. I have not yet had the opportunity to explore this with another partner but ideally it is something they would need to be at least open to discussing as our relationship developed.

It has also made me think about what I would consider to be 'cheated on'. If someone I loved, slept with someone else, would I feel betrayed. No, I don't think so. As long as they were upfront and honest about it, careful about my health then I would be able to deal with that. But what if they developed feelings for someone else? That makes the situation understandably trickier.

But all of this is just thoery, as I have not put it into practice. It could all go out the window, if I met the one and he made me want him and only him.

I Have A Lot Of Questions

I am writing this post, purely to past some time. I may have even done before, but I figure as the seasons change and I get older, so too will my answers. So here it goes.

Who was your last text from?

I am not a big text sender, I am of the generation that is quickly moving away from regular texting and calling and adopting things like What’s App and Facebook to communicate. Which is fine by me. My phone is not that important to me. This is a newish development because a few years ago, if I left my phone at home. Well that would have been hell. I am over this now.

What/who is your icon?

I have had many icons and idols over the years. Joss Whedon, the writer of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Amy Dumas, the WWE superstar. Singers like Christina Aguilera, Celine Dion etc. I still very much adore these performers and artists, but as my passion for writing progresses, I am starting to fall in love with authors, writers and journalists. This is probably ideation of their work and path, because it’s a path that I want to be on. I don’t consider this a bad thing.

Your relationship status?

Forever alone. I am not someone that yearns for a relationship. I have documented this several times on this blog. It is just not something that is important to me. However, even though I have written about a recent crush, even when I imagine the ideal outcome, the picture in my head is fuzzy. I don’t know what I want from it. I really think my ego just wants confirmation of reciprocation. In fact, I have said before I want to feel the pain of a break up, to relate to ‘heartbreak’ songs. I am 26 years old and I have no idea what it feels like, that seems wrong somehow.

Have you ever lost a close friend?

I have never lost a friend close or otherwise through death. But as I have gotten older, I have drifted away from certain people, childhood friends, people I had a close relationship with at the time. I think it is a natural progression into adulthood, to lose friends along the way, but probably making twice as more in the meantime. I have been friends with my current lot, here and in Manchester for years now and I can’t say I yearn for any friendships past.

What is your current mood?

I am ok I guess, no major gripes. I discussed wanting to write something with my friend Wendy this morning and she asked ‘What is bothering you, right now. Write about that’ and I wasn’t able to come up with anything worth blogging about. There is nothing major or important going on. I recently told HIM that I would be cooling off about a week ago. He is currently on holiday and I guess selfishly, I am expecting him to message me or speak to me and demand, something, I don’t know what.

What’s your brother(s)/sister(s)names?

Tanya, Darren and Karl.

Where do you wish you were right now?

I wish I wasn’t working right now I guess. I have been working 10 hour days this week, to try and get some money together, to pay of what I owe to my Mother. Which is just a couple of hundred Euro. But it means a couple of weeks of going without.

Have a crazy side?

I don’t really like the title of ‘crazy side’ but I do have a wildly spontaneous side. I have often made life changing decision without much consideration of the consequences. I like this side of me, I am not a worrier, and I try not to over analyse certain things before I do them. Sometimes of course things don’t go my way and the experience might not be pleasant but I figure it’s just one more experience which I have had.

Ever had a near death experience?

I think I have had more than one, the most remarkable one, was when I was declared dead back in 2010. The memories of that day, have become blurred over time. It now has its own soundtrack.

Something you do a lot?

Reading, writing and socialising are 3 of my biggest hobbies and I do them pretty much constantly. I read everyday and I go through phases where I practically snort a book up on a daily basis. Right now I am going through a slow period. Reading only when I travel to and from work. Writing is pretty much the same way, I can go through phases when I write, every day, several pieces, some make it here, some get deleted and other times, I can go a couple of weeks without writing a single thing. One constant is socialising, I try to go out to a club at least once a week.

Angry at anyone?

No, not at all. Even if I was, it’s hard for me to hold any real grudges. I never really stay angry for very long and I rarely ever get upset by what people do, I am firm believer in mistakes can happen, deal with it quickly and move on. Shit happens.

What’s stopping you from going for the person you like ?

Distance and incompatibility. He lives in a different country and we are so mismatched that any union, however unlikely would be a disaster. He is more introverted than I am, our moral codes are very different and although we like the same things and lots in common, he views the world on a very different scale than I do. We would never work, I would damage him and he would frustrate me.

When was the last time you cried?

I was in Manchester a couple of weeks ago, I had a very rough night and I was still feeling everything I had taken. It was probably about 12 the next afternoon and I was practically dead. When I got in the shower, I was so spaced, I just sat there, under the water and I had a little cry. The shower was so amazing, I didn’t even use soap or shampoo, I just sat there, letting the water fall over me. It was amazing.

What are you really good at ?

Well, I like to think I am good at a lot of things. I am a really good singer and I think I am good writer. It’s all subjective of course, I am pretty fast runner, despite my height and size, I can run like an immigrant running across the border.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?

I don’t think my thoughts before sleep have any consistency. I think about what has happened that day, if I am excited about what the next day has to offer and other times I just let my imagination run wild.

What is/are your favorite band(s)?

I am not one to shy away with embarrassment, afraid to admit the bands I like when I was younger. At the moment, I am loving bands like Boyce Avenue, Metric, Bombay Bicycle Club. But I also love bands like N’Sync, BSB and before the last band member change, Sugababes. I absolutely love The Supremes. But right now, I love a couple of the girl groups currently rocking the UK. Little Mix and Stooshe.

What are you doing right now?

I am in work. It’s not very busy and I have writing this between calls, to help me pass the time. I am working 10 hours today and tomorrow and I am in on Saturday, so even though its Thursday morning, I am still only at the halfway point.

Who do you trust 100% right now?

There are loads of people I trust. I am not afraid to put my trust in people. I guess I haven’t been burned enough times, although I wouldn’t say I would be the type of person that once burned twice shy. As I said before, shit happens. Trust like glass gets broken. Doesn’t mean you stop buying drinks?

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?

I am in my work clothes, which is just a standard grey shirt, black v-neck jumper and black slacks. I got the shirt in Primark, the discount clothes outlet in the UK. I remember a time, when I first entered the working world that I detested wearing office attire but as I have gotten older, I have learnt to appreciate the my casual clothes are for me to enjoy and not to be wasted in work. However over the past few months, I have started to explore wearing more fun clothes but still office appropriate. Just the other day, I picked up an unusual brown Dolce and Gabbana sweater, paired it up with some brown corduroy pants. It looked very retro and I loved it. I Googled searched how much the sweater would have cost at full retail price and it would cost $825 but I picked it up at a thrift store for like 10 Euro.

Who are you thinking of right now?

Seeing as these questions brought it up, I am thinking of HIM. I am giving myself a month and then I am getting over it. I want to talk to him, get everything out of the way, feelings or otherwise and go back to being friends.

What should you be doing right now?

I should probably be more focused on work, but it’s pretty quiet so I am doing this. I am not sorry about it.

What are you listening to?

The last song I listened to was called Know About Me by Ryan Keen. He was the support act for the Leona Lewis concert a couple of weeks ago. I have downloaded all the music I could find and I really loving his work.

You need new jeans. Quick where do you go?

I really had to think about this, when the last time I bought a new pair of standard denim jeans. I really think it might be 2 years or so now. I don’t wear many jeans, I have lots of coloured chinos and pants but not many jeans. All the jeans I have, are ones I have had for a while.

Who was the last person who yelled at you?

I actually can’t remember. It probably would have been my Mother, over some domestic gripe.

Do you act differently around the person you like?

I really don’t know. It’s not often I come across people I like, so I can’t remember if I have felt like I was acting differently. But it is something you do, I have noticed it in other people when they have been around people they have liked. It’s an interesting question, something which I will have to enquire about.
What is your eye colour?

I am a blue eyed boy.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?

I sit behind my good friend and colleague Wendy and I don’t think an hour passes without one of us making the other laugh.

Who was the last person to make you angry?

I think it was when I was in Manchester a couple of weeks ago. I was feeling really rough from the night before, I can’t over stress that fact enough. My friends and I were in a bar and a large group of girls came in and they were really loud and obnoxious, they had all obviously had more than alcohol. They really pissed me off but only due to the fact I was feeling like complete shit.

One thing you want right now?

To sleep in! These past four days, peeling myself out of bed before 7am has been difficult. I will have to wait until Sunday to enjoy such an awesome event before I do it all again next week.

Will you fall in love in the next few months?

Who the hell knows…or cares. I am not closed off from the possibility. If it happens, it happens.

Are you worried about the future?

No, I am excited about the future, I start school in September. I have no idea how I am going to fund myself through it but I don’t care, I will worry about that when the time comes.

Are you happy with life right now?

I am very happy with life right now. Sure there are things that I am not snap happy about but these are normal life things, which come and go if I am happy or not. I am really enjoying living back in Ireland and I really feel like I have a sense of direction, something I have not had for years. Life is very good.

Are you currently jealous?

So it comes back to HIM again. This thing, whatever it is has made me feel a whole wealth of different things. I have felt some jealousy but mostly the whole situation is making me feel rather pathetic. I don’t get like this! This shit doesn’t happen to me.

Do you forgive or forget?

Both. I am not going patronise and say some idealistic bullshit, like life is too short. No, for me it is just too much hard work to maintain.

What do you miss the most about elementary school?

How fricking easy it all is. It is all relative to age, I wish someone told me not to worry about elementary or high school and to just enjoy them for what they were and for me to really have understood it.

What are you looking forward to?

Before going back to school in September, I am looking forward to having an awesome Summer. Even though I am 26, I look forward to it with a childish glee. I have a really strong feeling that the weather is going to really be on my side.

Lyrics to the song you’re listening to?

‘Wanna know what I’m thinkin, why can’t sleep at night. Wanna know what I’m drinking, a double of anything is fine’

Mind Of Mine is 5 Years Old!

Mind Of Mine Is 5 Years old.The anniversary of this blog kind of came and went without me noticing it. But back at the end of April, I hit my 5 year milestone. 5 years and over 640 posts later and it is still the most consistent thing in my life. It seen me through some happy and tough times, given me a place to vent, to lay my feelings bare and to share some happy memories. I have used it document the good and the bad.

It’s an achievement I am very proud of, when I first started blogging, I could never have imagined it would come this far. I was sceptical myself during the initial few posts that it would be something I would keep up on a regular basis. I have made friends, money and enemies from what I have posted. It has helped me put some disasters I have gotten myself involved in, into perspective. It literally holds my life, my loves, my heartbreak, my tragedy my melodramatic highs and woes.

I don't know if there is another 5 years left in it, lord knows what kind of writing platforms I will be exploring then. I hope over the next course of years, as my studies progress that the style and content might change as I learn the rules and the craft. But yes, I hope to still be here, in some form of another over the next 5 years or more.

Fashion

I can’t really remember when my interest in Fashion began. As long as I can remember, I have always worn or wanted to wear, some pretty unique clothes. Being gay, means I am friends with people that follow most trends, from high street to designer. Some will pair full outfits from one brand or store, others will wear just designer brands. However, most if not all, will put their own unique stamp on it.

My sense of style, would not what you would call on trend. If anything, I tend to pair up dated trends, with classic or vintage pieces. Real or fake. I like to have colour in my outfits, or something unique that really stands out. Lately, I have been very much into a classic 90’s look, over sized denim, busy prints and backwards caps. I would never call my style ground breaking but I would most certainly call it different, especially compared to that of my peers.

 I have always wanted to be a writer, before I could really write properly, I knew that is what I wanted to do.  However, if there was a second choice, it would definitely be in fashion. Ladies fashion. When I worked in fashion sales a few years ago, I was really good at pairing up items from the catalogue I sold from, and selling them as whole outfits. I have a keen interest in the works of the major fashion houses and every season, I check out their runway collections and ready to wear. Occasionally discussing any standout pieces with my friend Ali, who works for Dior and lives and breathes fashion and clothes. He is also a snappy dresser and I have been inspired by many things he has worn.

 There is a point to this post, even if it is just to outline one of the more interesting things I enjoy, as it is something I have never really shared before. My biggest monthly expense, probably goes on clothes (and cigarettes). Lately, I have really started to enjoy thrift shopping and picking up some high street and designer pieces for practically nothing. Just a couple of weeks ago, I managed to score some Ralph Lauren Shirts, an Hermes Tie, a Levi denim jacket and a Pierre Cardin wallet. All in my local thrift shop too.  In fact some of the more memorable, or my most favourite things to wear, I have purchased in the last few months in thrift and vintage stores. Dublin has a great vintage scene, Temple Bar being a mecca for brands such as Eager Beaver and Helter Skelter, where I got the majority of the outfit I wore to my sister’s wedding.

 My next purchase, is going to be an old school Adidas zip up tops, I borrowed one this weekend, in bright red and paired it up with a print shirt and shorts and I really liked how it looked. I have been giving some consideration, on what things I would like to expand into when it comes to my writing and Fashion is up there near the top of the list.